tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central June 19, 2012 6:55pm-7:25pm PDT
or should i say buenos. because on friday el presidential barak obama announced in a rose garden ceremony that he will not be deporting illegal immigrants brought here as children who have the high school diploma and no criminal record. this of course replaces our long-standing policy of not deporting them if they were really good at baseball. this is shocking, shocking, obama has now thrown up merck's doors to people who are already here. now we can expect a steady stream of preexisting pouring into their present location and we all know why he is doing this. >> in the eve of the election it looks political. >> president obama's decision here is political. he's doing right before the election. and it very transparent
political fashion. >> this is fog but a politically motivated and cynical act. >> thank you st. carl. yes. this is cynical. obama needs to do something to attract hispanic voters in november and right now he's barely clinging to a 43 point lead. sounds impressive but remember that's in pesos. bottom line, folks-- bottom line, folks, i and all my republican friends know that this was the wrong thing to do. >> i think it's the right thing to do, actually. >> this a good way to do it with a good policy. >> it was the right thing to do. >> stephen: fine, but the president's not supposed to do anything in an election year. let alone the right thing. now maybe i am a conspiracy theorist but i'm beginning
to think that barack obama is trying to get re-elected. you don't see republicans cynically pandering to latinos like this. i mean just look at the gop's hispanic outreach web page. last week the front banner featured a stock photo of asian children. i mean i think that is wonderful. it's the promise of america. these kids can grow up to be anything they want to be, even hispanic. meanwhile, meanwhile, folks you want to talk about pandering, just look at what the democratic logo is. a bureau. and i'm sure if you hit it with a stick candy and free health care falls out. but i'll tell you-- i'll tell you-- but i'll tell you i don't think hispanics are
going to fall for obama's will ploy of promising to help and then doing it. they want a man of principles. a man who will promise not to help and then won't. >> the question is if i were elected and congress were to pass the dream act would i veto it and the answer is yes. for those that come here illegally the idea of giving them in state tuition credits or other special benefits i find to be contrary to the idea of a nation of laws. the answer is deportation which is people decide that they can do better by going home because they can't find work here because they don't have legal documentation to allow them to work here. >> yes, if mitt romney is elected illegals will self-deport. in fact, some americans might even join them. but folks-- (applause) that is how effective, that's how effective the policy will be. but folks, the president announcing that he is using
his executive pober to unilaterally stop enforcing the law was small enchiladas compared to the big news burrito this weekend. that the president was interrupted during the announcement of his new policy. that guy there, that was conservative blogger neil munro. and this sparked a firestorm of liberals and conservatives alike. >> mr. munro was absolutely wrong in interfering with the president's statement, talking points all say you must respect the office of the presidency even if you don't like the person in it. the idea that you would interrupt the president in the middle of prepared remarks and shout a question, i think it's outrage us. >> how dare you. >> how dare you. how dare you, neil munro,. neil munro did knowingly
interrupt the president. as he explained to completely independent news organization the one he worked for. >> from your perspective, the speech was coming to a close when you were beginning to ask your question. >> yes. it's hard to know when he's about to end. i thought he was going to end today. i asked my question too early. >> stephen: hey, you got to admit it's hard to know when obama is going to end something. folks, the president, the president's pauses are so long it always seems like he's wrapping up his speech. remember the state of the union. >> they know our way of life will only endure if we feel that same sense of shared responsibility. (applause)
that's how we'll reduce our deficit. >> so everybody, everybody just layoff this alleged reporter. everyone, everyone who was there thought that speech was over, including me. full disclosure, i am a member of the white house press corps. well, technically the white house press corps reserved. one weekend a month. and last friday i even mixed it up with the president. >> it is the right thing to do. >> hey, that's willford brimly's catch-phrase. >> excuse me, sir. >> stephen: it's the right thing to do. that is willford brimly's oatmeal catch-phrase. why are you stealing from willford brimly. >> it's not time for questions. >> you want some oatmeal? >> not while i'm -- >> it's the right thing to do. let's argue about it. >> i didn't ask for an argument. i'm answering your question. >> you don't want to argue. you don't want oatmeal. there's no open bar.
>> well-- welcome back, everybody. folks, thank you so much. i don't have to tell you i have the best audience in the world. (cheers and applause) >> i don't know if you have noticed this about in other shows the crowd almost never chant stephen, stephen, which is why you folks in here out there you're more than viewers, you are members of the colbert nation. and right now right now folks we are engaged in serious high level diplomatic talks with sweden. the woodsy socialist utopia that is pretty much scandinavia's scan da or scandananada. well, last tuesday night i reported that the country's official twitter account at sweden is handed off to a new swede every week. i believe that is also how
the universal health-care system shares the country's one thermometer. now i, of course, wanted to have my turn as sweden's tweet wheel. i can certainly tweet for sweden. i will prove it. >> -- its was all part of a our top secret twitter takever project operation artificial swedener. and you in the colbert nation heeded my call to arms with your thumb. and unleashed a devastating tweet barrage of support. well, guess what, nation, the country of sweden has responded. sweden's official spokes swede sergio-- released a statement quote people who are not swedish, citizens,
cannot take over the account not yet anyway. we have a very long list already. colbert will have to wait. i done know what that is in swed-- swedish. >> excuse me, sweden, i do not do patience. i've been thrown out of half a dozen performances of waiting for godot. just show up already so we can go home. and the people of sweden are clearly behind me. last week the hashtag artificial swedener and the name stephen colbert both trended in sweden. replacing the swedish trending topic of norwegians are a degenerate race of herring molesters. (applause) >> stephen: thank you folks i think we clearly rattled their cages because sonja abrahmson the swed who
controlled as sweden last week tweeted, quote, i just watched the colbert thing that guy is crazy. he threw a telephone over his shoulder like it wasn't worth a-- to him. oh. oh dear sweet innocent sonja. you have so much to learn. this is america. our streets are paved with broken iphones. ours, ours is a land of plenty. we use our iphones for just about everything. for instance, here's how i stir my coffee. oh, you can really taste the voided warranty.
so come on, sweden. man up! people clearly want me. you don't have to worry about citizenship. i am a swed. just check out the famous swedish person page on wick pedestriania. okay, now check it. to sweden. (applause) >> the biggest reason you should give it to me is because since we i mentioned you on my show last week your official twitter account has jumped from 33,000 followers to 62,000 followers. (cheers and applause) >> pou, pou. -- pow, pow, you see.
americans are starting to notice you. soon we may even be able to find you on a map. so keep up the pressure, nation. e-mail your support of me to curator application at visit sweden.com and tweeting with a hashtag artificial swedener. soon sweden will crumble beneath our onslaught like an ikea book shelf under a book. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) her cup of?
how is the nobel, you keeping it polished? >> it's going to clog some where i'm not sure where, somewhere in the house. >> how devil may care about our nobel. aren't we the one. >> no, now sir, you have an organized mind, don't you. >> sometimes. you must to be able to write booksment you have a new one called end this depression now. so you will admit that obama took it to a depression. your words or pine, sir. >> no he inherited one and unfortunately he has not taken us out of it. for some mistakes on his part but mostly a whole lot of opposition from the other guys but it's a worldwide problem. we just are stuck in what is really a depression. >> okay so what is the difference between a depression and a recession. i know a depression gives us the greatest generation. >> the goodes generation.
>> a recession is when things are going down. >> right. >> a depression is when things are down. so we have, you know -- >> it goes down and it levels off. >> we have this thing called the great depression. which was actually two recession and two recoveries. it wasn't all down. but it was lousy the whole time. it was high unemployment, miserable times and that's what we're going through right now is a period where yeah, the economy is growing. we're adding jobs but it's still a terrible time for lots of people. not as bad as the great depression. i've been suggesting that as a campaign slogan but i don't think it's going to fly. but it's plenty bad. and we're to the getting out of it so anyone can notice. >> so end this depression now. how do we do it, that's a one-page book, right. that's elect mitt romney. >> oh boy. >> wow, i mean it's actually interesting. there's a list of things that you really should not do, like layoff lots of government workers while you're in a depression.
>> stephen: because those aren't real jobs. >> stephen: government can't create jobs. government can't create jobs. >> they sure feel like jobs. you know any schoolteachers. >> no i do, they sure look like real jobs. actually nothing ter fews-- . >> stephen: and i suppose-- i suppose firemen and policemen are real jobs too. >> that's right, actually in a way the solution, ending this right now it could be quite easy because at this point if we would just rehire all the teachers and firefighters and police officers that had been laid off in the last several years, laid off because of budget cuts and congress won't allow aids to stay among governments we'd be a long way towards getting out of this. we would have an unemployment rate below 7%. this wouldn't feel at all like it does right now. >> stephen: so the, what is your prescription in here for guys like me in the 1%. what should we do to help?
i am in the 1%. >> yeah, you know-- . >> stephen: we're willing to help america. >> yeah. >> stephen: i'm willing for to you cut my taxes. >> right. yeah, you know, it's mostly, the 1%s had an awful lot of political influence and what he -- >> we know what we're doing because we got our money because we are the smart guys. >> yeah. i mention the 1% too. >> stephen: there we go (applause) >> a lot of it is choosing the right parent. really helps to put some thought into it. a lot of it is just plain luck along the way. >> stephen: i didn't get this show by luck. i got this because i was a toll booth attendant on the new jersey turnpike and jon stewart drove through one day. that's not luck, that's skill. >> obviously the way to get out of a real depression is
a war in europe. and are we going to get one over there because how is europe doing? europe is in big trouble. i'm having a hard time not using forbidden words but europe is in big trouble. they made a terrible mistake which is one currency without government and compounded it by having a lot of the wrong policies. >> but obama is a socialist and europe is a socialist system and so europe is just a preview of what will happen to america, right. you want to turn america into-- europe's economic problem. >> so which is the famous, most generous welfare state in the world, the place that, even now by european standards is pretty close to the top in terms of the generosity of-- you just had it on the program. swed sen a welfare state, for generations conservatives have been telling us that that swedish
welfare state is going to destroy their economy that stockholm will turn into a smoking ruin, which if you have ever been there it doesn't look like. >> stephen: paul, paul, we sweds are very worried. >> right about our country. and sweden is doing really well. you actually looked at what european country did conservatives love before this crisis. what was the highest ranked western country on the heritage index of economic freedom. what was the country that the lowest corporate tax rate. it was ireland. and ireland has done everything. ireland is romney economics in practice. they've laid off a large branch of their public workforce, slashed spending, extreme austerity programs. they haven't raised taxes on corporations of the rich at all. they have 14% unemployment. 30% youth unemployment. zero economic growth. ireland is a demonstration. i think as ireland is america's future if romney
is president. >> stephen: the irish can handle it. they are-- the irish do very well in bleak depreltion-- depressing times. they've got those jigs and everything that they do. >> yes. >> stephen: thank you so much for joining me. (cheers and applause) the book is end this depression now. the man is paul krug mann